The Pinhole by Lavender Kelley

A young one was lost, wandering in the dark.  Occasionally, she would bump into others who also roamed.  But, they did not realize she was lost.  They did not understand that they were lost as well.  A few of them believed they knew the path and took her with them.  She trusted them and went where they went.  However, with time, she always ended up alone and even more lost… a little more afraid than before with a few new injuries that told of her journey through the dark.

Once in a while, she thought she could see a distant pinhole in the dark through which light shown.  She tried to make the journey to look through the pinhole, but each time the great chasm of darkness, her painful injuries, and vexing fears made her lose sight of the light.  Sometimes she stopped when  she  met some who had been hurt badly.  She tried to help them.  But when she did, her own injuries got worse and the pinhole seemed even farther away.

Eventually, she came to see the pinhole less and less.  Sometimes she doubted there was any light at all.  She imagined that she was abandoned in the darkness as a way of punishing her.  She did not like the way thinking about that made her feel.  She liked to sit and imagine what wondrous things there were outside the darkness.  From time to time, that gave her hope but the hope would quickly vanish into the darkness.  Mostly, however, she just felt trapped, believing that she deserved the darkness and that she would never know anything more of the light than the image of the pinhole that eluded her.

One day, feeling desperate, she moved through the darkness as quickly as she could.  She called out names of those that might know of the light.  Someone heard her, but he did not know anything of the pinhole.  Wanting to help, that one called to another and then another.  In a matter of moments, she was passed through the darkness along a corridor and found herself with someone different than the others she had met.  Rather than tell her that she was lost and just needed to follow someone that “knows,” this one listened to her share her journey and the hope for peering through the pinhole.  After hearing this courageous account, this new one held her tightly.  She wept in the embrace.  This was not like the holding of the darkness that always felt cold and unwelcome.  This embrace was warm, inviting.  There was something very different about this feeling.  She knew that she was safe.  She knew that she was loved.  And then her eyes opened. 

She immediately understood that it had not been a pinhole in the distance that she had seen all this time.  Rather, it was the light around her trying to enter her eyelids.  At first she felt shame.  She cried out, “Why did I not just open my eyes?  I would not have all these gashes and bruises.  See, it is my fault!”

This one held her hand and said, “It is not your fault. No one held you tightly enough for you to know.  No one told you.  All you knew were the others with their eyes closed.”

Suddenly, she realized that this one was not just right in front of her.  This One was everywhere… even in her.  That pinhole had not only been the light trying to show her the way out of the darkness.  It had also been her light trying to illuminate the darkness for them all. 

She heard the One speak.  “You will still hurt, but you will also find true rest.  Rest, my little one.  Rest in the light and do not fear the dark.  We are One and never alone.”

Helping Children Cope After Traumatic Loss

Recently, I was asked for advice on what to do with children on a significant date in the life of a grandparent who committed suicide less than a year ago.  The questions were about whether to involve their children ranging in ages from 7-12 in rituals and sharing as well as how to talk with them.  The parent also shared with me details of how each child tends to process, communicate, and share emotion.  The following is my response to that person with appropriate edits to protect the family. 

[Friend],

You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.  No death is ever easy but some are harder and leave us with more questions than others. Suicide is usually among the hardest for everyone to make peace with, not just for children.  So, let me start by saying that I hope you are finding the support you need.  Maintaining all your roles as parent, spouse, child, and so much more is incredibly difficult in the midst of grief, especially when it is traumatic and unexpected.

Talking to kids about death is a significant part of what I do for a living but telling you for certain how to handle it is impossible. Every child is different and you obviously know that because of the way you describe them.  So, I suggest you give yourself credit and trust your intuition with them. 

From what I know of you and [your spouse], you are open parents who talk in age appropriate ways to your children.  But as a reminder, it is best to use consistent, direct wording like “dead” or “death” because you don't want this to be confused with other types of leaving. But a difficulty you face is that [your oldest child] is now processing from a combination of abstract and concrete thinking whereas [your youngest child] is still a concrete thinker.  This may mean having conversations with them at different times so they can each ask and get what they need.  Personally, I avoid theological messages like “God needed him in heaven” because it gives kids painful messages they can’t process about their own safety here and now. But it is okay to talk about “being with God and Jesus in heaven” if that is what you believe.

Most importantly, when they are ready, answer their questions and talk to them about it. Every kid is different so those questions will come at different times.  You can encourage questions without forcing the conversation. But when one of them does ask questions, be prepared to answer the tough ones like when will grandma, mommy, daddy, siblings, and self will die. Try never to act shocked by their questions because they’ll interpret it as something being wrong with their questions.  Sometimes they ask truly difficult ones like “what did he do wrong that he killed himself?” or “if I die, will you replace me?”  These are questions that need straight answers.  Listen for what the underlying need or fear is and just answer them in simple, honest ways.

Now that I’ve gone on (maybe too long) about how to talk, let me get to your specific questions about what to do on these significant dates like birthdays, death anniversaries, and such.  I appreciate you “not wanting to put any emotions on the [the children]” but they need to see the wide array of emotions you have AND witness you handling them appropriately. In part, this is done by you having conversations with [your spouse] (perhaps even including them) where you share your thoughts and feelings but only go as far as they can handle.  It will give them courage to handle their own emotions to witness you two doing the same.

As for what specifically to say or do, do whatever is natural and meaningful to you and your family.  Kids need to learn that rituals and remembrances are a way we hold onto people in a healthy way.  If it is meaningful for you to tell stories, then do that.  It you prefer to do something else, please do.  What’s important is that the children see you as facing your grief and dealing with it rather than avoiding it.  But also give room for them to grow into and prefer other rituals of their own.  Some kids like to write letters or draw pictures for the person who has died.  Anyway, whatever is done, you should emphasize that this is about BOTH honoring/loving [the grandparent] AND helping ya’ll to express your feelings.  With time they will come to understand that those activities ultimately make your memories of [the grandparent] more meaningful.

Again, I want to encourage you to trust yourself while also listening to your inner needs.  Kids are more in tune with sensing comfort and discomfort than they are your specific words.  If you are uncomfortable, please do what you need to grow through that.  But also just be honest with them about why you are uncomfortable.  That will help them more than trying to hide your discomfort.

I hope this has been helpful.  You will continue to be in my prayers.  Please let me kwon I you need anything. I also have some great children’s resources like coloring books, books for various reading levels, and support information if you are interested.  I could ship you anything you think might be helpful.

Grace and Peace,

Lavender

P.S. Now that I read back through this I think the one thing I didn't say that I wanted to is that they are looking to you to learn how to grieve.  You are their guide and they will likely be able to handle whatever rituals or events you include them in as long as you prepare them for it.  Make sure they know what to expect.  I know it sounds odd to tell someone step by step what will happen at a ritual but kids need to know in advance what concrete steps to take or they are more caught in their fear than their wonder.  It is in wonder that rituals bear their greatest gifts. 

Sorrow and Hope: A Response to Civil Union and Christian Marriage Committee Preliminary Report

Yesterday the Civil Union and Christian Marriage Committee released its preliminary report. I am deeply grateful for their work and can read in the text the earnestness and love of Christ that the members posses. They were charged with studying “the following, including any policy recommendations growing out of the study:

• the history of the laws governing marriage and civil union, including current policy debates;
• how the theology and practice of marriage have developed in the Reformed and broader Christian tradition;
• the relationship between civil union and Christian marriage;
• the effects of current laws on same-gender partners and their children; and
• the place of covenanted same-gender partnerships in the Christian community.”

Having read and reflected upon this report today, I believe they delved deeply into all of their charges. Yet, it is the last one where I always felt like the most crucial issues of this discussion lay. What is the place of covenanted same-gender partnerships in the Christian community? The committee that studied this issue even sought input from the body at large and I along with many others offered submissions. The committee findings and statement are found from page 23-28 of the report.

This is a deeply personal issue for me. I am a lesbian clergy woman who is currently leaving the PC(USA) because of a lack of “place” for me, my wife, and our daughter. We are not leaving because we found no place in congregational life or lacked in fellowship with Christian sisters and brothers. On the contrary, we’ve found much love and support in the church. Christ’s love, welcome, and reconciliation has been alive with us and will continue in these relationships that live beyond denominational confines. Our departure is due to conflicts over polity rather than relationship or theology.

The committee’s mandate also called on them to research the history of marriage which they did well. In fact, I found my own beliefs echoed because I find that marriage as we currently understand it in the church and western culture is a fairly young phenomenon. Biblical images of marriage do not look like what we practice nor is it what most people want for themselves or their children.

Yet, there are deeper messages in the Bible, Christian history, and beyond that tell us not so much about contractual marriage as much as they teach us about covenant relationship. As seen from the beginning of Hebrew Scripture, we are a people who have a deep understanding that God loves us and covenants with us through all times and in all conditions. It is God’s example that we mimic through our interpersonal and intimate relationships. We are always seeking to cultivate the love and growth that covenant relationship nurtures, the love that God instills within us.

This belief is constantly reinforced as I find that most people are doing the best they can to live out that spark of love that is within them. We seek to connect and develop that love through relationships as best we can understand them. Nevertheless, this is a daunting task even in the most supportive circles because we bear so much brokenness and it stunts our ability to cultivate love that nurtures and heals. However, brokenness has not stopped our efforts to deepen love nor will it ever. We join together each day seeking to live out God’s presence and love in this limited yet beautiful life.

This is the story of my growth in Christ and growth within the PC(USA). My church family has been the home I never had growing up. They showed me that more excellent way which included nurturing God’s calling within me to become a pediatric chaplain. Moreover, it is because of Christ’s healing love that I received through others that I was able to cultivate such a remarkable love with my wife Kim and become a parent to Susan.

I suppose that I am not writing this as much in response to the details of the committee’s report as I am in sadness that I must leave a church that always amazes me and fills me with awe. I read this report with tears streaming. Tears of gratitude for all the people I love and love me within the PC(USA). Tears of loss for hopes and dreams that were cultivated brought to fruition within the PC(USA). Tears for a future, at least for now, where I am no longer in the PC(USA). I grieve the loss of a home so beloved that it has taken me years to make the decision to leave.

This report and the committee behind it bear witness to what and who we are when we allow the diversity of the body to work through the Spirit. I am proud of the committee members and their work. Furthermore, I’m deeply grateful that for many same-gender couples, there is a place in the PC(USA) where relationship and connection within the body of Christ is held in higher esteem than conflict and misunderstanding. As we move forward, please know that my constant prayer is found in the committee’s words. “Together, we are the body of Christ, called to live into our Christ-reconciled life together, acting in a manner that lives out our confession ‘Those whom Christ has joined together, let no one separate.’” Amen

Link to preliminary report: http://www.pcusa.org/oga/newsstories/final-prelim-report-civil-union-marriage-spec-cmte-091809.pdf

Response by my friend and Covenant Network National Organizer Tricia Dykers Koenig: https://app.e2ma.net/app/view:CampaignPublic/id:10488.2407656093/rid:3dc4dabfe5bf4a1b5bc41bf718a351bf

Two Brothers and a Hope for Something New

There were two very influential theologians in the twentieth century named Reinhold Niebuhr and H. Richard Niebuhr. They were brothers whose works as Christian ethicists changed the landscape of the Protestant church. I’ve read a great deal from both of them yet I always prefer Reinhold Niebuhr’s conclusions and trajectory. In fact, I consider him my most influential ethicist and favorite theologian. But what I like most about him is not always what he said but that he said and did something. This brings me to my point in writing this.

I frequently have reflections on our experiences where I blend my deeply held religious beliefs, interest in history, and passionate love of life into an thought that I then verbally pass onto others. They often tell me that I should write these down to share with others. My boss is most adamant about this because she believes I have a way of explaining things that would truly help grieving parents (I am a pediatric chaplain). Nevertheless, I don’t write and share these ideas because I feel fearful of putting my ideas out there before they are well thought out and refined… which is another way of saying bulletproof.

This brings me back to the Niebuhr brothers. I was told by someone who actually knew them as well as a seminary professor of mine that the reason Reinhold Niebuhr wrote so much more prolifically than his brother is that he did not regret having to go back and say something to the effect of, “I’ve grown since I wrote that and I’ve changed my stance.” However, H. Richard Niebuhr would spend much more time pouring over his writings before letting anyone see them. He was certainly never confined by his need to “be sure” of what he was saying before putting it out in a public arena as he did produce and publish several books, articles, and letters. Yet, even in his political stances, he was still bound by this need to think, examine, and consider to the point of inaction or late action. Reinhold Niebuhr was not this way. He said boldly what he believed and acted out those ideals.

I want that boldness but more importantly, I want that humility. I want to start writing these experiences and reflections for myself as well as others. The more time I spend with others, the more important it seems to share these things with one another and not leave them locked away. So, please accept this as my foray into blogging on chaplaincy, life experiences, and revelations of the Spirit. I hope this is an experience of growth, developing connections, cultivating humility, and much more.