I never
feel happy about Mother's Day. It always leaves me feeling burdened with ghosts
of the past. But this year is way worse than usual. I recognize that it is in
part to do with my mom's recent death but I can't find the words to explain or
safe harbor to explore how bad it feels. Maybe it's because it snuck up on me.
I've been so busy. Maybe there just aren't good opportunities to explore this
on other days. Regardless, I'm making my situation worse and I don't know what
proactive steps I need to take to move forward in healthy ways.
I'm also
realizing as I sit with this that my extra pain is also about my brother. In
many ways, I've had a mother role with him and I'm in the God forsaken place of
watching him languish in depression, anxiety, and addiction. Worst if all, I'm
powerless to do much to help. So I definitely don't feel like celebrating my
role as a mother to him because I'm too busy trying to hold my fears of his down slide
at bay. There are other layers of sorrow for him as well that I can’t begin to
write out at this time but they are profound and deeply burdening.
Do you
know the poem “The Invitation” by Oriah? She goes through this litany where she
says she doesn't care about what position you hold or how much money you make
or the like. What she wants to know is about your inner integrity, passion, and
trust. I sort of feel that way about Mother's Day. I don't want to know how
many children you have and what you do to celebrate on this one day. I want to
know if you wake up and do what needs to be done as a parent day in and day
out. I want to know if you can look your mom in the eye and risk disappointment
for the sake of becoming the creation God called you to be. I don't want to be
celebrated on this one day as a mother. I want to witness the fruits of your
blossoming as my child and dance gratitude, sorrow, hope, pain and love every
day and not feel alone in that dance.
I
acknowledge I'm cynical about holidays in general because they often reflect
consumerism and idolatry more than true celebration. Yet, I am not feeling
cynical today. I'm sad and hurting.
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