Later, I would spend years of my adulthood working through the
wake of sorrow caused by repeatedly hearing “you’d be so pretty if… you weren’t
so fat… you walked like a lady… you didn’t play in the dirt… you weren’t so heavy…
you’re smile wasn’t crooked… you wore makeup… you wore more flattering clothes…
you didn’t look so manish…”. My family
didn’t realize that I was at times barely hanging onto life because of depression
and shame that dogged me so badly that suicidal thoughts were the norm for
me. Even if they had of realized what I
was going through, there still is not a world in which saying “you’d be so
pretty if…” is a healthy way to raise a child.
Lest you misunderstand my point, I’m not launching into this
to rail against my family. I deeply
loved my grandmother and still miss her even though she died almost 12 years
ago. And my mom is currently dying which
has led to a very interesting path for her and me to feel reconciled in a
positive way to the legacy of our complicated relationship. When it comes down to it, I believe my family
did the best they could to love me and I harbor no resentment over the things
that damaged me as I believe it revealed deeper wounds within my family for
which we all needed healing.
Nevertheless, I was dismayed to have this phrase rehashed
this past year as I was helping my mom with some things around her house. I was immediately transplanted to my
childhood and all the shame and pain rushed back to me when my mom looked at me
with all sincerity and said, “you’d be so pretty if you just weren’t so fat.” I managed to cope with that moment in relatively
good fashion by telling my mom “the only people I care about think I’m
beautiful.” Later in the evening I
turned to my wife and social media for support to process it.
The outcome of processing it is what I am primarily
interested in writing about today. I
have spent time thinking about who I would be if I had taken all those pieces
of advice. I’ve considered what my life
would be like if I had looked, acted, and thought the way they believed would
make me pretty.
What I’ve decided is that I would not be me. I would not even be real. I’d be a shadow of an image that bears no
resemblance to the gifts I’ve been given or the experiences I’ve had. In fact, part of me believes that following
that advice would have led to my eventual suicide because the things that have
kept me alive in the darkest times are my abilities to eat pain, dress and
appear in ways that kept me out of competition within the social conventions of
women, and use my strong, broad, “manish” body to hold the weight of crushing
sorrow.
When I look at who that person would be, I don’t see
pretty. I see sad, empty, and lonely
because I would not have known how to be that person. I am exactly who I was created to be. I may never be able to see myself as pretty
but I know that I am strong, intelligent, resilient, charming, cute, playful, and
much more. When I hold all that I am, what
I’ve been able to survive and accomplish, and who encircles me with love, I figure
I’m about as beautiful as I’ll ever be.
3 comments:
Amen!
(Hugs) You are Beautiful Outside And Inside And You Make The World A Better More Beautiful Place For So Many Others Includin Mysel And My Family.
I Stuggle With This Issue my Son, Teaching Him To Stay Clean, Deoderant, Pants Pulled Up, I Decided It Is More Important For Him To Feel Loved And Safe At Home...Hugs Lavender! Khraila
You are BEAUTIFUL as you are the way God made you!...And God NEVER makes a mistake!
It is a misguided and uneducated society that trys to stuff all women into one mold. We were never ment to look the same (or be the same)... how boring would that be! We are to be different and look different...it is us as women that need to quit bying into what a magazine or tv tells us is pretty.... each of us in beautiful and unique...just the way GOD made us!!!
Look in the mirror and see YOUR beauty! The people that love you already see it!
Post a Comment