Among my first hurdles were those of ethics and
transparency. I am gay and my wife and daughter
would likely come with me to church. The
exiting interim minister had known me for years and knew about my sexuality but
I didn’t think she outted me to the church.
So, I had to make a decision.
How was I going to answer the questions? Would I just go ahead and come out? What was the right thing to do so that I had
integrity while not opening my family to undue scrutiny? Furthermore, I didn’t want to bring to the
church additional turmoil in the midst of a time that was already fragile.
Very quickly I decided to answer any questions from congregants
honestly but not bring up the fact that I’m gay. I advised my family to do the same. All the same, we did not necessarily go about
drawing attention to ourselves in that way.
My reasoning for this choice was three fold. First, I personally have borne much pain as
some of my Christian sisters and brothers have hurled stones of hatred and fear
at me over the years. It’s been a tough
journey that I still weep over from time to time. Second, as a family, we did not have a need
to be supported in that faith community so our transparency was not necessary
for our well-being. Likewise, we did not
need the pain that would come with a negative outcome. Third, and most importantly, I believed my
time with them would be short and deemed the painful transitions of the church
and the existing sorrow of its members to be more important to address than
introducing an additional issue that would only serve to distract them from
what they actually needed. They had
already been though too much to have someone “dump” an extra issue on
them. They deserved to grieve and grow
through their existing difficulties before dealing with one more thing.
With all that in mind I moved forward and what I thought was
going to be a “few preaching gigs” turned into more and ultimately lasted 20
months before they called a full time pastor.
I didn’t realize it would happen but I quickly fell in love
with the people at that church. I saw in
them such love for one another and a deep faith. They could not have endured the kind of pain
they had without it. You see, in the
past 10 years they had lost a much beloved pastor and then had a series of
short lived calls and interims that introduced various conflicts and near scandals
(the reasons for this are so complicated I will not even dare deal with it in this
writing because I can never do their experience justice). In the face of all this strife, the church
and its programs survived... they even thrived in some ways. It was easy to for me to admire and even love
them.
It seemed that they loved me too. They liked my preaching style of balancing
teaching with practical ways of living faithfully. They appreciated my reluctance to make grand
claims on behalf of God in favor of journeying together. Most of all, they loved the way I loved
them. For a group of people who had felt
rejected and shat upon, they just wanted so badly to know that it wasn’t their
fault and that they were still loved by God... and a pastor. I could give them that.
One of my early sermons at the church was entitled “Along
the Way” and was based upon Psalm 107:1-9, 43.
In it I said, “this is a passage about life
happening. Life includes the joyous and
the tragic and all that lies in between.
Not all these events happen because of God but God is in the midst of
them and still with us after them. Our
job is to be open to God’s help. Our job
is to keep journeying. Our job is to
share in the journey with others around us.
And we do this with hope knowing God is with us all along the way.”
“Along the way” became a phrase that I
would utter many many more times during my service at that church. It became my mantra to them as I sought to
illuminate God’s presence and work in their midst. It also became a mantra to myself as I
experienced a home and sense of calling like I had not previously had or
expected.
In my time there, I never did out myself
from the pulpit even though I uplifted the justices issues associated with
gender and sexuality. I kept my emphasis
on what they needed most. Even as my
sexuality became known to many in the congregation, what people stayed focused
upon was what we had in common as people of faith trying to find our way
forward. With all the talk in our
culture about what is wrong with the church,
let me tell you that what is right was
the people of that church staying focused on loving one another and honoring
faith.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t always easy. I know for a fact, my sexuality became a catalyst
for heated discussion amongst the Pastor Nominating Committee. Also, I had many conversations with congregants
who were unaware of my sexuality as they made their opinions known about Presbyterian
polity, theology, and sexuality. They
said things that were insensitive and at times even hateful. Yet, my response was always to broaden our
understanding of love and keep us focused upon what God is doing and calling us
to.
In the months since my time ended at that
church, I’ve had time to reflect on what this journey meant and how it touched
me in ways I never imagined. I’ve come
to believe even more in the mantra of God with us “along the way” because of
the relationships that my family and I have formed with the people of that
church. Our lives are forever changed
and better because of them. Furthermore,
the church’s constant affirmation of God’s gifts in me and my time with them
served to heal old wounds that I thought would always be festering. Honestly, I rarely know where God is leading
me but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God has been, is, and will be
with us all along the way. Amen.
