I’m having a bad day and when I have a bad day I write or draw or both. Today, you are the unwitting recipient of my bad day reflections. This bad day is brought to you by a phone call from my doctor telling me that a test I had the other week had some very concerning results. She wanted me to come to her office ASAP. Fortunately, I work right next to my doctor’s office so I was able to leave work and go straight over.
When I arrived, she told me that she needed to do a biopsy of some cells, blah, blah, blah… of course by this point I couldn't hear much of what she said because I had hit my saturation level of stress for the day because this new thing means that both my wife and I are struggling with major health concerns. At any rate, we did the biopsy this afternoon and I hope to hear the results by the end of this week.
But all this is not why I’m writing. See, for the umpteen thousandth time, I had to consider the question of “What if I die soon?” It’s a useful question when discerning practical matters like wills and such but that question never resides simply in the mind. For most of us, the only reason we sit down to think of the practical considerations is as a matter of lessening the emotional worries. The reality is that the emotional matters of fear, loss, and worry are what arise in most of us when faced with the question of our death or the death of a loved one.
And those feelings and questions are where my family and I have been for the last 18+ months. I’ve walked through my mother’s death and the legacy of reckoning with an irreparable relationship. In other family members, I’ve faced untreated mental illness and substance abuse which often lead to death. I’ve also faced the very real and ongoing possibility of losing my wife to unexpected illness. Now, my own health is back in focus as well.
But even that is not why I’m writing. I’m writing because all this brings up more than just fear of loss and the unknown. It also brings up the question of regret. Are there anchors of shame I’m dragging behind me? Are there relationships that should (note the difference between could and should) be repaired? Are there milestones left undone?
Of course the answer is yes for all of those questions. The honest answer is that I have lots of pain, heartache, and unpursued dreams in the ripples and wake of my life. My life story contains abuse, trauma, bipolar disease, cancer and all manner of crude survival techniques to get through decades of suicidal thoughts and haunting forces so I damn well should have events that I wish could have been another way. Nevertheless, I don’t look back with regret and I try to release the shame because those dark waters are nothing compared to the wonder and meaning in the journey to get here.
The truth is that I did the best I could every step of the way given who I am and the resources available to me. The number of moments, relationships, and resources that would have had to be different in my life to produce a different outcome are beyond my capacity. But I do know that I tapped into every resource that came my way and never lost sight of the hope that tomorrow would be different… and it always was. But greatest of all, I held onto the wonder and the meaning.
Whether I live 50 days or 50 more years, the moments I passed through had meaning and I’ve shared that meaning with others to the best of my ability. Even during years of constant suicidal thoughts and depression, I survived on the moments where I saw glimmers of love, flashes of God, shining through other people. Still today, if I lost my wife to unimaginable illness, I’ve been blessed by our time in a way that I vow to always share in the world for its betterment.
See, as much as I was overwhelmed by the prospect of cancer this morning, I’m even more clear that every moment has been worth it. I think it’s a false dichotomy to suggest that the opposite of regret is acceptance. The opposite of regret is resilient thriving in the meaning. Sure I want to lose 100lbs, coach rugby, publish extensively, and get a PhD but none of those accomplishments and none of my failures will ever count for more than the meaning in the moments that made them.
I pray that all may know the meaning of their moments and grow from every one of them into a love of life and a passion for sharing that wonder. Amen.
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
You’d be so pretty if…
I grew up hearing the phrase “You’d be so pretty if…”
followed by a myriad of pointers on how I should
look, act, think, and be. My mother and
grandmother were the primary users of this expression but I occasionally heard
it from others too. They truly believed
themselves to be offering loving advice that would make me happy and better
liked by others. But in reality, this utterance
deepened existing wounds and reinforced a message that I was not okay as is.
Later, I would spend years of my adulthood working through the
wake of sorrow caused by repeatedly hearing “you’d be so pretty if… you weren’t
so fat… you walked like a lady… you didn’t play in the dirt… you weren’t so heavy…
you’re smile wasn’t crooked… you wore makeup… you wore more flattering clothes…
you didn’t look so manish…”. My family
didn’t realize that I was at times barely hanging onto life because of depression
and shame that dogged me so badly that suicidal thoughts were the norm for
me. Even if they had of realized what I
was going through, there still is not a world in which saying “you’d be so
pretty if…” is a healthy way to raise a child.
Lest you misunderstand my point, I’m not launching into this
to rail against my family. I deeply
loved my grandmother and still miss her even though she died almost 12 years
ago. And my mom is currently dying which
has led to a very interesting path for her and me to feel reconciled in a
positive way to the legacy of our complicated relationship. When it comes down to it, I believe my family
did the best they could to love me and I harbor no resentment over the things
that damaged me as I believe it revealed deeper wounds within my family for
which we all needed healing.
Nevertheless, I was dismayed to have this phrase rehashed
this past year as I was helping my mom with some things around her house. I was immediately transplanted to my
childhood and all the shame and pain rushed back to me when my mom looked at me
with all sincerity and said, “you’d be so pretty if you just weren’t so fat.” I managed to cope with that moment in relatively
good fashion by telling my mom “the only people I care about think I’m
beautiful.” Later in the evening I
turned to my wife and social media for support to process it.
The outcome of processing it is what I am primarily
interested in writing about today. I
have spent time thinking about who I would be if I had taken all those pieces
of advice. I’ve considered what my life
would be like if I had looked, acted, and thought the way they believed would
make me pretty.
What I’ve decided is that I would not be me. I would not even be real. I’d be a shadow of an image that bears no
resemblance to the gifts I’ve been given or the experiences I’ve had. In fact, part of me believes that following
that advice would have led to my eventual suicide because the things that have
kept me alive in the darkest times are my abilities to eat pain, dress and
appear in ways that kept me out of competition within the social conventions of
women, and use my strong, broad, “manish” body to hold the weight of crushing
sorrow.
When I look at who that person would be, I don’t see
pretty. I see sad, empty, and lonely
because I would not have known how to be that person. I am exactly who I was created to be. I may never be able to see myself as pretty
but I know that I am strong, intelligent, resilient, charming, cute, playful, and
much more. When I hold all that I am, what
I’ve been able to survive and accomplish, and who encircles me with love, I figure
I’m about as beautiful as I’ll ever be.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Fighting isn't Really Living
At the risk of rubbing some people the wrong way, I need to
say that I am deeply frustrated and angered at the culture of shame that makes
people feel like they have to “fight” cancer.
Yes, I’ve lived through cancer 3 times and that involved fighting but
that’s not all it took and that’s not what it’s all about. It’s about life and love.
As I watch my mother decline and try to “fight” cancer even
though the doctors keep telling her it’s incurable, advanced, and medically
futile, I am enraged at her friend who had the gall to call me and tell me I
wasn’t loving enough because I thought mom should choose palliative care. I’m
pained to know my mom is in the hospital because of symptoms of chemo rather
than at home enjoying time with friends.
And most overwhelmingly, I feel powerless to overcome the chorus of
voices in my mother’s life who continue to shame her into fighting cancer
instead of enjoying a few good months of friendship and love.
I know that the people mean well when they push her and I'm
not questioning the motives behind that. I also know my mom is very scared and
doesn't want to miss her next grandchild's birth. I just wish we could join
together in a chorus of holding right now instead of disparate voices of mixed
messages.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Onward In Faith
Advent 1B - Sermon based upon Psalm 42 & Matthew 1:18-2:12
Good morning and welcome to Advent. This is a season of expectancy and preparation. A season of joy, hope, and promise. And given the themes of our advent devotional and sermon series, it is also a season of faith, peace, new life, and love.
You’re going to notice a pattern in the coming weeks that lead us all the way through Christmas. Each week’s theme that goes with the devotional is going to be lifted up in worship in multiple ways. The devotional theme is The True Gifts of Christmas: The Journey to Bethlehem. The music, prayers, liturgy, and even scriptures will go along with the weekly theme. Each week we'll have a Psalm that captures the emotional experience of the theme and a Gospel passage that tells the story.
But for now, we’re here on the first week of Advent. We enter with the theme of faith and the story told in Matthew about Jesus's conception and birth. If ever there was a story of faith in God, this is it.
Here we have a young unmarried woman who finds out she's going to have a very special baby. The scripture tells us that her fience doesn't want to disgrace her but he's still going to “quietly dismiss her.” After transformative encounters, they both believe in God’s will for this child move forward to have the baby.
From the Luke story of Jesus’ birth we also know that they had to make a journey to Bethlehem for census and taxation. That must have been horrible. Can you imagine setting out on a donkey, a man and a 9 month pregnant woman, in a time when life was so much more treacherous than it is now?
And even after Jesus is born, King Herod sends spies so that he can plot against the young Messiah, Emmanuel, God with us. But they too had a transformative experience rooted in joy and did the right thing to protect this child.
And our Psalm this morning is also a true story of faith. It is about the fear and anxiety we experience when we can’t quite feel God’s closeness to us. We want to lash out as the Psalmist does with “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?” But just as with Mary and Joseph, the Psalmist remembers “hope in God.”
These are some pretty powerful scriptures if we pause to let them capture our feelings and imagination. So, what do they have to tell us on this first Sunday of Advent?
Well, I think one of the messages is that just because we’re journeying faithfully doesn’t mean that it’s smooth sailing. It’s often an anxiety and fear filled path. Even Joseph was going to leave Mary because he couldn’t understand how God’s plan for Mary included him and I imagine he felt a lot of social pressure as well.
How often are our lives like that? Maybe it’s that we know what the right thing is to do but we feel the pressure and embarrassment of what others are saying around us. Or sometimes it’s that we are not sure how we fit into God’s plan. Or sometimes it’s more a feeling like the Psalmist had of wondering where God is in all this and how to remain faithful while it feels so dark. When faced with loss, uncertainty, and other things that raise our fear level, our lives, just like Mary and Joseph’s are filled with moments that make our faithful walk forward feel more like a burdensome trudge.
Whether it’s the journey of the PNC in search of a pastor or the daily work it takes to make relationships last, we are ALL journeying… and sometimes it’s a tough one. But here’s where the story turns.
God reassures Joseph of his part in all this. Then God protects Jesus from Herod. God even touches the wise men and they go on a different path. Hope and joy healed them from their worries, doubt, and uncertainty. In the case of the wise men, quite literally, the story tells us that they were overwhelmed by joy.
I think this is the real heart of our scripture lesson for today. We worry and struggle in uncertainty quite often. And it becomes a cycle that just gets worse if left to our own devices. The more we worry, the more we drag ourselves down. The more we drag ourselves down, the more we fret about digging back out of the hole of fear, grief, and depression. The more we fret about those things, the more ashamed we feel. And the more ashamed we feel… well, that’s just a terrible spiral downward.
But God’s support and love for us is never wrapped up in fear or shame or overly burdensome toil. God reaches out to us with hope and joy offering us help to put one foot in front of the other and continue our faithful journey. That support comes in all kinds of forms. In the case of Joseph, it came in the form of messenger from God and I imagine it also came in the form of support from people around him and most especially from Mary. For the wise men, they found support from God to do the right thing through an intense sense of joy at the witness of a phenomenon in nature right before meeting Jesus. And while most of us don’t have an experience of meeting and angel, I know that all of us have met messengers from God or had experiences that coincided with special event that invigorated our faith.
See, this is what faith is about, whether it’s during the season of Advent or any other time. We are on a journey and each and every day is another opportunity to keep moving forward toward the hope and promise of God while being open to the nurturing support God gives us.
Now, I’m not trying to make this sound easy. I’ll give you a deeply personal example. All my life, even as a little child, I’ve struggled with depression. It seems to be genetic because most of my family struggles with it. Depression has gripped me in ways that I’ve often felt forgotten by God. The way depression chokes off the light is painful. And after feeling the emptiness and darkness months on end, I’ve even thought that it wasn’t that God had forgotten me. I’ve felt that God must be punishing or cursing me. Now logically, I know that isn’t the case. But depression is an illness that tells us lies about ourselves, others, and God.
Having struggled with this illness for most of my 37 years, I can tell you quite a few things about finding God in the darkness and what faith looks like when you barely have the energy to get out of bed. But I can also tell you that faith cannot be stifled or destroyed by darkness, fear, worry, doubt, and uncertainty.
Just like Mary and Joseph, I have found God’s support every step of the way. Just when I thought I couldn’t bear the isolation any longer, God has sent messengers that reminded me who and who’s I am. God has placed people in my life to help me when I couldn’t help myself. When I needed a jolt to point me in the right direction, God has shown me great joy through phenomenon in nature. God has called me forward in love all along the way.
God’s nurturing love and my faith in that love have helped me journey forward every step of the way. In fact, you’ve even been part of God’s work in my life. As you know, I’m a chaplain and I work night shift at Children’s Memorial Hospital. Working night shift is more than a choice. It’s a metaphor for my experience with God. Because I’ve had to work so hard to find God in the long nights of depression, I want to be part of God’s light to others in the night. I never thought I’d work in a church because I thought my place was in the darkness.
But being here with you has shown me that God calls me into the light as well. The way you’ve encouraged me and the relationships I’ve built here have shown me new paths in my own faith journey. My faithful journey is not only that of holding people in the night but also that of proclaiming God’s radiance in the light and you’ve been the ones who’ve helped cultivate that in me and show me God’s way for which I’ll always be grateful.
Now I didn’t tell you all that to spew out my own story. I told you about my journey because I believe it speaks to the struggles we’ve all had. Advent, holidays, faith, journeys, family, church… all of these things are precious but they also stir in us anxiety and fear about the unknown. But God is with us, each and every one of us. God is speaking and leading and calling us every step of the way.
Sisters and brothers, as we move forward in Advent, may we have faith that God is alive and well in all areas of our lives. Even when it feels scary or burdensome, God is with us, offering us support wrapped in love rather than fear. Our job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this journey taking the next step in faith and being open to all the ways God is supporting us. Emmanuel, God with us… We welcome you! Amen
Good morning and welcome to Advent. This is a season of expectancy and preparation. A season of joy, hope, and promise. And given the themes of our advent devotional and sermon series, it is also a season of faith, peace, new life, and love.
You’re going to notice a pattern in the coming weeks that lead us all the way through Christmas. Each week’s theme that goes with the devotional is going to be lifted up in worship in multiple ways. The devotional theme is The True Gifts of Christmas: The Journey to Bethlehem. The music, prayers, liturgy, and even scriptures will go along with the weekly theme. Each week we'll have a Psalm that captures the emotional experience of the theme and a Gospel passage that tells the story.
But for now, we’re here on the first week of Advent. We enter with the theme of faith and the story told in Matthew about Jesus's conception and birth. If ever there was a story of faith in God, this is it.
Here we have a young unmarried woman who finds out she's going to have a very special baby. The scripture tells us that her fience doesn't want to disgrace her but he's still going to “quietly dismiss her.” After transformative encounters, they both believe in God’s will for this child move forward to have the baby.
From the Luke story of Jesus’ birth we also know that they had to make a journey to Bethlehem for census and taxation. That must have been horrible. Can you imagine setting out on a donkey, a man and a 9 month pregnant woman, in a time when life was so much more treacherous than it is now?
And even after Jesus is born, King Herod sends spies so that he can plot against the young Messiah, Emmanuel, God with us. But they too had a transformative experience rooted in joy and did the right thing to protect this child.
And our Psalm this morning is also a true story of faith. It is about the fear and anxiety we experience when we can’t quite feel God’s closeness to us. We want to lash out as the Psalmist does with “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?” But just as with Mary and Joseph, the Psalmist remembers “hope in God.”
These are some pretty powerful scriptures if we pause to let them capture our feelings and imagination. So, what do they have to tell us on this first Sunday of Advent?
Well, I think one of the messages is that just because we’re journeying faithfully doesn’t mean that it’s smooth sailing. It’s often an anxiety and fear filled path. Even Joseph was going to leave Mary because he couldn’t understand how God’s plan for Mary included him and I imagine he felt a lot of social pressure as well.
How often are our lives like that? Maybe it’s that we know what the right thing is to do but we feel the pressure and embarrassment of what others are saying around us. Or sometimes it’s that we are not sure how we fit into God’s plan. Or sometimes it’s more a feeling like the Psalmist had of wondering where God is in all this and how to remain faithful while it feels so dark. When faced with loss, uncertainty, and other things that raise our fear level, our lives, just like Mary and Joseph’s are filled with moments that make our faithful walk forward feel more like a burdensome trudge.
Whether it’s the journey of the PNC in search of a pastor or the daily work it takes to make relationships last, we are ALL journeying… and sometimes it’s a tough one. But here’s where the story turns.
God reassures Joseph of his part in all this. Then God protects Jesus from Herod. God even touches the wise men and they go on a different path. Hope and joy healed them from their worries, doubt, and uncertainty. In the case of the wise men, quite literally, the story tells us that they were overwhelmed by joy.
I think this is the real heart of our scripture lesson for today. We worry and struggle in uncertainty quite often. And it becomes a cycle that just gets worse if left to our own devices. The more we worry, the more we drag ourselves down. The more we drag ourselves down, the more we fret about digging back out of the hole of fear, grief, and depression. The more we fret about those things, the more ashamed we feel. And the more ashamed we feel… well, that’s just a terrible spiral downward.
But God’s support and love for us is never wrapped up in fear or shame or overly burdensome toil. God reaches out to us with hope and joy offering us help to put one foot in front of the other and continue our faithful journey. That support comes in all kinds of forms. In the case of Joseph, it came in the form of messenger from God and I imagine it also came in the form of support from people around him and most especially from Mary. For the wise men, they found support from God to do the right thing through an intense sense of joy at the witness of a phenomenon in nature right before meeting Jesus. And while most of us don’t have an experience of meeting and angel, I know that all of us have met messengers from God or had experiences that coincided with special event that invigorated our faith.
See, this is what faith is about, whether it’s during the season of Advent or any other time. We are on a journey and each and every day is another opportunity to keep moving forward toward the hope and promise of God while being open to the nurturing support God gives us.
Now, I’m not trying to make this sound easy. I’ll give you a deeply personal example. All my life, even as a little child, I’ve struggled with depression. It seems to be genetic because most of my family struggles with it. Depression has gripped me in ways that I’ve often felt forgotten by God. The way depression chokes off the light is painful. And after feeling the emptiness and darkness months on end, I’ve even thought that it wasn’t that God had forgotten me. I’ve felt that God must be punishing or cursing me. Now logically, I know that isn’t the case. But depression is an illness that tells us lies about ourselves, others, and God.
Having struggled with this illness for most of my 37 years, I can tell you quite a few things about finding God in the darkness and what faith looks like when you barely have the energy to get out of bed. But I can also tell you that faith cannot be stifled or destroyed by darkness, fear, worry, doubt, and uncertainty.
Just like Mary and Joseph, I have found God’s support every step of the way. Just when I thought I couldn’t bear the isolation any longer, God has sent messengers that reminded me who and who’s I am. God has placed people in my life to help me when I couldn’t help myself. When I needed a jolt to point me in the right direction, God has shown me great joy through phenomenon in nature. God has called me forward in love all along the way.
God’s nurturing love and my faith in that love have helped me journey forward every step of the way. In fact, you’ve even been part of God’s work in my life. As you know, I’m a chaplain and I work night shift at Children’s Memorial Hospital. Working night shift is more than a choice. It’s a metaphor for my experience with God. Because I’ve had to work so hard to find God in the long nights of depression, I want to be part of God’s light to others in the night. I never thought I’d work in a church because I thought my place was in the darkness.
But being here with you has shown me that God calls me into the light as well. The way you’ve encouraged me and the relationships I’ve built here have shown me new paths in my own faith journey. My faithful journey is not only that of holding people in the night but also that of proclaiming God’s radiance in the light and you’ve been the ones who’ve helped cultivate that in me and show me God’s way for which I’ll always be grateful.
Now I didn’t tell you all that to spew out my own story. I told you about my journey because I believe it speaks to the struggles we’ve all had. Advent, holidays, faith, journeys, family, church… all of these things are precious but they also stir in us anxiety and fear about the unknown. But God is with us, each and every one of us. God is speaking and leading and calling us every step of the way.
Sisters and brothers, as we move forward in Advent, may we have faith that God is alive and well in all areas of our lives. Even when it feels scary or burdensome, God is with us, offering us support wrapped in love rather than fear. Our job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this journey taking the next step in faith and being open to all the ways God is supporting us. Emmanuel, God with us… We welcome you! Amen
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Further reflections on "Seeking Beyond Our Grasp"
In this week’s sermon, we were invited to be grace-filled as we examine our idolatries and the idolatries of others. From the Acts 17 scripture, it seems that we are asked to take a deeper look at what those idols might reveal about what we were seeking in the first place. Furthermore, pausing to understand that underlying yearning for something bigger than ourselves will also point to the way in which God formed us and made us in such a way that seeking is part of our being. Nevertheless, as I wrote this sermon, there was an issue that was left unarticulated. That was the matter of an all or nothing mentality.
The invitation to a graceful attitude with ourselves and others is in many ways a calling toward journey rather than destination. In the journey, many concerns we encounter can neither be completely understood nor can they be fully solved. However, we live in a culture that tells us that we must fix ourselves, solve problems, and ally ourselves fully with causes… “you’re either with us or against us.”
But much like Luke’s telling of Paul’s encounter in Acts 17 where understanding wins out over shame and guilt, our lives too are rarely made better by the shame and guilt wrought by such a limited posturing. Rather than shaming someone for not yet recycling at home, what would it be like to honor them for recycling while they are at work? Instead of guilting ourselves over participating in unsustainable eating practices, what if we respected the worthy step of eating meat only 5 days a week instead of 7? And in a world of pass/fail schools, what if we celebrated small steps and even intangibles in students and teachers lives?
It is my deepest belief, both theologically and psychologically, that we would be healthier people, a stronger culture, and a more justice filled society if we started by honoring the little steps rather than shaming ourselves and others for what we have not yet accomplished. We would likely be encouraged to take more little steps rather than giving up entirely. And most importantly, I believe that such a way of life is closer to God’s will that we be active partners in the building up of creation.
My hope is that we learn and grow from the times we stumble so that our future steps are more steady. My prayer each day is for sustaining strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to honor each and every step along the way.
“Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.” ~ unknown
The invitation to a graceful attitude with ourselves and others is in many ways a calling toward journey rather than destination. In the journey, many concerns we encounter can neither be completely understood nor can they be fully solved. However, we live in a culture that tells us that we must fix ourselves, solve problems, and ally ourselves fully with causes… “you’re either with us or against us.”
But much like Luke’s telling of Paul’s encounter in Acts 17 where understanding wins out over shame and guilt, our lives too are rarely made better by the shame and guilt wrought by such a limited posturing. Rather than shaming someone for not yet recycling at home, what would it be like to honor them for recycling while they are at work? Instead of guilting ourselves over participating in unsustainable eating practices, what if we respected the worthy step of eating meat only 5 days a week instead of 7? And in a world of pass/fail schools, what if we celebrated small steps and even intangibles in students and teachers lives?
It is my deepest belief, both theologically and psychologically, that we would be healthier people, a stronger culture, and a more justice filled society if we started by honoring the little steps rather than shaming ourselves and others for what we have not yet accomplished. We would likely be encouraged to take more little steps rather than giving up entirely. And most importantly, I believe that such a way of life is closer to God’s will that we be active partners in the building up of creation.
My hope is that we learn and grow from the times we stumble so that our future steps are more steady. My prayer each day is for sustaining strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to honor each and every step along the way.
“Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.” ~ unknown
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Seeking Beyond Our Grasp
Seeking Beyond Our Grasp - A sermon based upon Acts 17:22-31
Good morning. It is a pleasure to be with you today and share in worship in a different way since I'm usually facing the other direction... And might I say it's quite a different view from this side instead of my rear corner view.
Briefly, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Lavender and I'm a member of St Pauls and being nurtured in the care process of ordination. I'm also a full time chaplain at Children’s Memorial, where I've been for several years now. My seminary training was at Louisville Presbyterian and I graduated 5 years ago this week. And if you can’t tell, in my spare time, I do charity events like the one where I shaved my head 3 weeks ago to raise money for cancer research.
Well, enough about me… How about this scripture? I should say that this passage fascinates me. I mean, here we have Paul walking about Athens, one of the most diverse places in history. And this is a guy who is all about strict adherence to the law so all the idols and shrines throughout the city were truly disturbing to him. But rather than start shaming people and beating them over the head for what he would have judged as sinful, he does something quite different.
Paul says, “I see how very religious you are in every way...” He goes on to honor them for their attempts to seek and understand God even though he believes they have gotten some of it wrong. Next, he connects to a particular shrine the Athenians have built “to an unknown god” and claims that this is the God and creator of all. Then he says that this God actually created us in such a way that we would be compelled to seek the One that breathed life into all creation. Finally, Paul calls for the Athenians to make sure their beliefs are of the Holy when he proclaims that there will come a day that this God of all will judge all.
So, what do we make of this? Well, I think it's safe to say that this passage has much to say to us today. We too live in a culture full of idols and a sense of groping for God. We too need help sorting through what is our idol worship and failed seeking. And we too need to be honored for our attempts rather than shamed and made to feel guilty for being limited.
So, how do we unravel this message? Well, first of all it I think the issue of Paul’s approach is particularly important. He knew that if he were to stand up and condemn the Athenians for what he judged as idolatrous, they would become defensive and shut him out. He knew that it is never through shaming and quilting that genuine change is made. Shame and guilt may coerce behavior but they are not foundations for beliefs. So Paul starts talking to them by honoring their attempts at seeking God and their deep passion around religiosity. He wants them to know that their attempts are worthy and that God has even had grace on our groping and reaching for the Holy even when we come up short.
To me, this is an amazing insight. I mean Think about our own lives… If Paul were to walk into our church, down our streets, and into our homes, what kinds of idols would he see? I dare say that he would see many that span our attempts at seeking something greater than ourselves. Our cars, job titles, the famous people we’ve placed on pedestals, the monuments to ideals that are not quite holy… they are everywhere in our lives. We might be tempted to dismiss many of those idols as ones that represent greed or selfishness. But should we dismiss how they came to be idols? Maybe we should look at what we saw in them that made us lift them up in the first place.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that even though our idols reveal much about our failings and brokenness, they also reveal much about our attempts to fill a God sized void in our lives. If it is that the accumulation of wealth or monuments to immortality are all some of us can claim, then it’s because the appetite for God is so great rather than so small. So, starting from Paul’s model for addressing idolatry in our culture, we would do well when looking at our own lives and the lives of others to start with some grace. We should honor that the emptiness in us is that of a deep yearning for God. Even when we’ve claimed false idols, it was because we wanted so badly to see something greater than us… something bigger and timeless. Guilt and shame won’t reveal God’s true presence but grace and honor sure will.
The second thing I think this passage has for us today is tied up in that yearning and search for God that all too often results in the creation of idols rather than the worship of the holy. Paul tells us “The God who made the world and everything in it, he who is Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in shrines made by human hands… From one ancestor he made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him—though indeed he is not far from each one of us.”
This is a powerful message to us. The whole reason we need to be grace filled and honor even our failed attempts to search for God is because it is actually God who implanted in us that desire. This passage says we were made in such a way that our whole experience would be marked by the search for God… and that sometimes we would even catch a glimpse or two.
And the way Paul frames this whole thing by connecting them to one of their very own shrines is pretty amazing too. He refers to the shrine “to an unknown god” and tells them that God doesn’t live in things built by our hands because the God that breathed life into all creation is just beyond our grasp and yet never far away.
So if we are made to yearn for and seek God but struggle to do so because it’s somehow beyond our abilities, what does this mean for our lives? Well, it may serve as some good guidance for us in our search. A marker of an idol rather than the Holy might be to realize that our glimpses and experiences of God can never be fully captured and pinned down. If we are somehow trying to recreate an encounter of God or claim a particular path to experiencing God, then we are probably missing the fullness of God.
Also, if God is both beyond yet near, another lesson for our daily lives might be that if someone else has experienced the Holy in a different way, we might do well to seek understanding rather than judgment. With God so full of mystery, there’s likely a whole lot that we just don’t understand but someone else just might. So another marker of our seeking should be humility.
This brings me to a closing point I think this passage is telling us today. Somewhat wrapped up in the first point, Paul proclaims that there will come a day that God will judge us for our searching and what it has yielded in our lives. Now given the recent botched prediction of some sort of rapture or second coming, I think it’s safe to say that we need not concern ourselves with what this judgment will look like or when it will be but rather we should hear the call to be vigilant and continue our journey of seeking here and now.
It is not our job to judge but God’s. Our job is to seek, to journey, to join together in creation, to respect that deep calling of God, and to honor the glimpses of the Holy that we do encounter. Our job is to uphold that desire in one another that is yearning and seeking for something more. We should do this in such a way that even when we get it wrong, we can take that experience and journey with greater clarity rather than being mired in shame and guilt.
Sisters and brothers, today’s scripture passage calls us to be grace-filled with one another when we see the fruits of our yearnings for God rather than shaming of our failings. It calls us to know that God is both beyond our ability to pin down and yet oh so very close. In the midst of that presence, we are invited to be humble in our experience and honor our paths and the paths of others. And we are called to be ever vigilant to weed out idols and false beliefs that would take up the place of God in our lives.
As we leave here today, our calling is to identify those ways we fill our lives with idols, look at what led us to believe in them, and use that yearning to find what is truly Holy. Our calling is also to help others in their attempts to seek and catch glimpses of God. And you know what, I suspect that if we are truly engaged in that work and those relationships, we’ll see God more than we have in a long time. Amen.
Good morning. It is a pleasure to be with you today and share in worship in a different way since I'm usually facing the other direction... And might I say it's quite a different view from this side instead of my rear corner view.
Briefly, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Lavender and I'm a member of St Pauls and being nurtured in the care process of ordination. I'm also a full time chaplain at Children’s Memorial, where I've been for several years now. My seminary training was at Louisville Presbyterian and I graduated 5 years ago this week. And if you can’t tell, in my spare time, I do charity events like the one where I shaved my head 3 weeks ago to raise money for cancer research.
Well, enough about me… How about this scripture? I should say that this passage fascinates me. I mean, here we have Paul walking about Athens, one of the most diverse places in history. And this is a guy who is all about strict adherence to the law so all the idols and shrines throughout the city were truly disturbing to him. But rather than start shaming people and beating them over the head for what he would have judged as sinful, he does something quite different.
Paul says, “I see how very religious you are in every way...” He goes on to honor them for their attempts to seek and understand God even though he believes they have gotten some of it wrong. Next, he connects to a particular shrine the Athenians have built “to an unknown god” and claims that this is the God and creator of all. Then he says that this God actually created us in such a way that we would be compelled to seek the One that breathed life into all creation. Finally, Paul calls for the Athenians to make sure their beliefs are of the Holy when he proclaims that there will come a day that this God of all will judge all.
So, what do we make of this? Well, I think it's safe to say that this passage has much to say to us today. We too live in a culture full of idols and a sense of groping for God. We too need help sorting through what is our idol worship and failed seeking. And we too need to be honored for our attempts rather than shamed and made to feel guilty for being limited.
So, how do we unravel this message? Well, first of all it I think the issue of Paul’s approach is particularly important. He knew that if he were to stand up and condemn the Athenians for what he judged as idolatrous, they would become defensive and shut him out. He knew that it is never through shaming and quilting that genuine change is made. Shame and guilt may coerce behavior but they are not foundations for beliefs. So Paul starts talking to them by honoring their attempts at seeking God and their deep passion around religiosity. He wants them to know that their attempts are worthy and that God has even had grace on our groping and reaching for the Holy even when we come up short.
To me, this is an amazing insight. I mean Think about our own lives… If Paul were to walk into our church, down our streets, and into our homes, what kinds of idols would he see? I dare say that he would see many that span our attempts at seeking something greater than ourselves. Our cars, job titles, the famous people we’ve placed on pedestals, the monuments to ideals that are not quite holy… they are everywhere in our lives. We might be tempted to dismiss many of those idols as ones that represent greed or selfishness. But should we dismiss how they came to be idols? Maybe we should look at what we saw in them that made us lift them up in the first place.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that even though our idols reveal much about our failings and brokenness, they also reveal much about our attempts to fill a God sized void in our lives. If it is that the accumulation of wealth or monuments to immortality are all some of us can claim, then it’s because the appetite for God is so great rather than so small. So, starting from Paul’s model for addressing idolatry in our culture, we would do well when looking at our own lives and the lives of others to start with some grace. We should honor that the emptiness in us is that of a deep yearning for God. Even when we’ve claimed false idols, it was because we wanted so badly to see something greater than us… something bigger and timeless. Guilt and shame won’t reveal God’s true presence but grace and honor sure will.
The second thing I think this passage has for us today is tied up in that yearning and search for God that all too often results in the creation of idols rather than the worship of the holy. Paul tells us “The God who made the world and everything in it, he who is Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in shrines made by human hands… From one ancestor he made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him—though indeed he is not far from each one of us.”
This is a powerful message to us. The whole reason we need to be grace filled and honor even our failed attempts to search for God is because it is actually God who implanted in us that desire. This passage says we were made in such a way that our whole experience would be marked by the search for God… and that sometimes we would even catch a glimpse or two.
And the way Paul frames this whole thing by connecting them to one of their very own shrines is pretty amazing too. He refers to the shrine “to an unknown god” and tells them that God doesn’t live in things built by our hands because the God that breathed life into all creation is just beyond our grasp and yet never far away.
So if we are made to yearn for and seek God but struggle to do so because it’s somehow beyond our abilities, what does this mean for our lives? Well, it may serve as some good guidance for us in our search. A marker of an idol rather than the Holy might be to realize that our glimpses and experiences of God can never be fully captured and pinned down. If we are somehow trying to recreate an encounter of God or claim a particular path to experiencing God, then we are probably missing the fullness of God.
Also, if God is both beyond yet near, another lesson for our daily lives might be that if someone else has experienced the Holy in a different way, we might do well to seek understanding rather than judgment. With God so full of mystery, there’s likely a whole lot that we just don’t understand but someone else just might. So another marker of our seeking should be humility.
This brings me to a closing point I think this passage is telling us today. Somewhat wrapped up in the first point, Paul proclaims that there will come a day that God will judge us for our searching and what it has yielded in our lives. Now given the recent botched prediction of some sort of rapture or second coming, I think it’s safe to say that we need not concern ourselves with what this judgment will look like or when it will be but rather we should hear the call to be vigilant and continue our journey of seeking here and now.
It is not our job to judge but God’s. Our job is to seek, to journey, to join together in creation, to respect that deep calling of God, and to honor the glimpses of the Holy that we do encounter. Our job is to uphold that desire in one another that is yearning and seeking for something more. We should do this in such a way that even when we get it wrong, we can take that experience and journey with greater clarity rather than being mired in shame and guilt.
Sisters and brothers, today’s scripture passage calls us to be grace-filled with one another when we see the fruits of our yearnings for God rather than shaming of our failings. It calls us to know that God is both beyond our ability to pin down and yet oh so very close. In the midst of that presence, we are invited to be humble in our experience and honor our paths and the paths of others. And we are called to be ever vigilant to weed out idols and false beliefs that would take up the place of God in our lives.
As we leave here today, our calling is to identify those ways we fill our lives with idols, look at what led us to believe in them, and use that yearning to find what is truly Holy. Our calling is also to help others in their attempts to seek and catch glimpses of God. And you know what, I suspect that if we are truly engaged in that work and those relationships, we’ll see God more than we have in a long time. Amen.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What Kind of Love is This?
Maundy Thursday - Sermon based upon John 13:1-17, 31b-35
Good evening. We are half way through Holy Week and everything is about to start changing rapidly. But we need not get ahead of ourselves. The story of Holy Week plays out bit at a time. Jesus’ life, just like ours, isn’t just a matter of the big moments. His life is about the whole story of it and the way it fits together. We can’t understand the excitement of Palm Sunday if we don’t first know why Jesus is exciting to be around. We can’t appreciate the intimacy of Maundy Thursday if we don’t take the time to examine the quality of Jesus’ relationships. The horror of Good Friday might make for a Hollywood film but it’s real importance is in knowing why the people close to Jesus are still there. And the story of Easter only reaches its full glory if we pull together the context of why Jesus was raised and what it would mean.
So for right now, here we are in one of the most intimate times Jesus shares and it’s a story worth spending time in because we get to see the quality of love Jesus shares with those close to him. What kind of love is this that Jesus shares? What kind of love is it that he wants others to cultivate and live?
Well, this passage starts with Jesus sharing a meal with his friends. This doesn’t seem odd to us because Jesus eats with people throughout his ministry. But just because it’s common, doesn’t mean that it isn’t deeply special. It is incredibly special.
Meals like Jesus shared were served family style… you know, the kind were we dip from the same bowls and have to be conscientious of how much we take because there are those at the end of the table yet to be served. They’re the kind of meals that if we’re in tune with those around us, we save that last roll for Jim because he loves them or we make sure Karen gets seconds because she had to skip lunch today to take her child to the doctor. Table fellowship is a truly intimate thing.
You know, I was blessed to be raised by my grandmother where we had meals at the table with no TV or other distractions. It was not just about sharing of food. It was about sharing of time. We talked about what was important to us and were blessed to know about one another’s lives. Most families today don’t share that time and I worry that we’re missing out on something special. But I don’t think that’s the only way to share and be in touch with each other. For example, if you want to get most teenagers to talk with you, drive somewhere 45 minutes away. That seems to be just the right amount of time to get into what needs to be said.
Anyway, the point I want to get to is that Jesus valued the people around him so he shared meals with them so that they could have truly meaningful time away from the hustle and bustle of their outward lives. What kind of love is this? It’s one that values the people around him.
The next thing we see is Jesus washing the feet of his disciples and friends. Now, let’s pause for a moment here to look at the context of what’s going on since foot washing isn’t a common practice in our culture.
We’re talking about a culture where clean water was scarce so bathing was a rare occurrence because it was more healthy to save the clean water for drinking than use it up bathing. But because this was a dusty, arid land, where the feet and legs would get caked on sand and dirt which carried sand fleas, foot washing was customary when you entered someone’s house or retired for the evening meal and bedtime. If a family had servants, the servants washed the feet of the family because it was considered a humble job. If the family did not, the person with least standing such as daughters washed the feet of others as they entered.
So from a modern perspective, the job of foot washing is something we would regard as below most any role or job. Really, in our culture, I can’t think of such a servant position. But what we need to know is that for Jesus to get on his hands and knees to do such a thing is an act of true humility and servant hood. So, what kind of love is this? It’s one that values service to others over being served.
Next, we have an exchange between Peter and Jesus about why Jesus is doing this. Jesus confirms what we’ve already recognized about service. But let’s reread part of this passage:
I always find 2 things remarkable about this exchange. First, when Peter wants more than his share, Jesus responds with an understanding reply rather than a shaming comment. The second thing is that Jesus already knew someone would betray him yet stayed in relationship with Judas rather than kicking him to the curb.
In our culture we are quick to judge, condemn, and belittle others for their faults. But Jesus knew that the only way to grow through our faults and mistakes is in the safety of relationship, not the cutting off of relationship. What kind of love is this? One that embraces people for where they are rather than condemning them for what they haven’t yet become.
Next we hear the sum of the Christian life. The passage reads:
Any good teacher knows that if you want someone to learn something, you have to present it in multiple ways. Jesus teaches by example in his deeds but he goes a step further and shares explicitly what the teaching is. He wants them to truly internalize what the message is and live it out, a life of service, connection, and a living body of Christ. What kind of love is this? One that wants others to grow, thrive, and become who God created them to be.
Sisters and brothers, we encounter Jesus tonight at his most intimate. He has shared with his disciples and us what he thinks is important. He knows he’ll soon be betrayed and will die but rather than retreat, he stays with those he loves. What kind of love is this? It’s one that values the people around him. It’s one that values service to others over being served. One that embraces people for where they are rather than condemning them for what they haven’t yet become. One that wants others to grow, thrive, and become who God created them to be.
As we move from this time and soon enter the garden where Jesus will be arrested, my prayer is that we never forget what kind of love this is and our calling to live it out. As Jesus said, “If [we] know these things, [we] are blessed if [we] do them. Amen.
Good evening. We are half way through Holy Week and everything is about to start changing rapidly. But we need not get ahead of ourselves. The story of Holy Week plays out bit at a time. Jesus’ life, just like ours, isn’t just a matter of the big moments. His life is about the whole story of it and the way it fits together. We can’t understand the excitement of Palm Sunday if we don’t first know why Jesus is exciting to be around. We can’t appreciate the intimacy of Maundy Thursday if we don’t take the time to examine the quality of Jesus’ relationships. The horror of Good Friday might make for a Hollywood film but it’s real importance is in knowing why the people close to Jesus are still there. And the story of Easter only reaches its full glory if we pull together the context of why Jesus was raised and what it would mean.
So for right now, here we are in one of the most intimate times Jesus shares and it’s a story worth spending time in because we get to see the quality of love Jesus shares with those close to him. What kind of love is this that Jesus shares? What kind of love is it that he wants others to cultivate and live?
Well, this passage starts with Jesus sharing a meal with his friends. This doesn’t seem odd to us because Jesus eats with people throughout his ministry. But just because it’s common, doesn’t mean that it isn’t deeply special. It is incredibly special.
Meals like Jesus shared were served family style… you know, the kind were we dip from the same bowls and have to be conscientious of how much we take because there are those at the end of the table yet to be served. They’re the kind of meals that if we’re in tune with those around us, we save that last roll for Jim because he loves them or we make sure Karen gets seconds because she had to skip lunch today to take her child to the doctor. Table fellowship is a truly intimate thing.
You know, I was blessed to be raised by my grandmother where we had meals at the table with no TV or other distractions. It was not just about sharing of food. It was about sharing of time. We talked about what was important to us and were blessed to know about one another’s lives. Most families today don’t share that time and I worry that we’re missing out on something special. But I don’t think that’s the only way to share and be in touch with each other. For example, if you want to get most teenagers to talk with you, drive somewhere 45 minutes away. That seems to be just the right amount of time to get into what needs to be said.
Anyway, the point I want to get to is that Jesus valued the people around him so he shared meals with them so that they could have truly meaningful time away from the hustle and bustle of their outward lives. What kind of love is this? It’s one that values the people around him.
The next thing we see is Jesus washing the feet of his disciples and friends. Now, let’s pause for a moment here to look at the context of what’s going on since foot washing isn’t a common practice in our culture.
We’re talking about a culture where clean water was scarce so bathing was a rare occurrence because it was more healthy to save the clean water for drinking than use it up bathing. But because this was a dusty, arid land, where the feet and legs would get caked on sand and dirt which carried sand fleas, foot washing was customary when you entered someone’s house or retired for the evening meal and bedtime. If a family had servants, the servants washed the feet of the family because it was considered a humble job. If the family did not, the person with least standing such as daughters washed the feet of others as they entered.
So from a modern perspective, the job of foot washing is something we would regard as below most any role or job. Really, in our culture, I can’t think of such a servant position. But what we need to know is that for Jesus to get on his hands and knees to do such a thing is an act of true humility and servant hood. So, what kind of love is this? It’s one that values service to others over being served.
Next, we have an exchange between Peter and Jesus about why Jesus is doing this. Jesus confirms what we’ve already recognized about service. But let’s reread part of this passage:
Peter said to him, “You will never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no share with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” Jesus said to him, “One who has bathed does not need to wash, except for the feet, but is entirely clean. And you are clean, though not all of you.” For he knew who was to betray him.
I always find 2 things remarkable about this exchange. First, when Peter wants more than his share, Jesus responds with an understanding reply rather than a shaming comment. The second thing is that Jesus already knew someone would betray him yet stayed in relationship with Judas rather than kicking him to the curb.
In our culture we are quick to judge, condemn, and belittle others for their faults. But Jesus knew that the only way to grow through our faults and mistakes is in the safety of relationship, not the cutting off of relationship. What kind of love is this? One that embraces people for where they are rather than condemning them for what they haven’t yet become.
Next we hear the sum of the Christian life. The passage reads:
After he had washed their feet, had put on his robe, and had returned to the table, he said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord—and you are right, for that is what I am. So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.
Any good teacher knows that if you want someone to learn something, you have to present it in multiple ways. Jesus teaches by example in his deeds but he goes a step further and shares explicitly what the teaching is. He wants them to truly internalize what the message is and live it out, a life of service, connection, and a living body of Christ. What kind of love is this? One that wants others to grow, thrive, and become who God created them to be.
Sisters and brothers, we encounter Jesus tonight at his most intimate. He has shared with his disciples and us what he thinks is important. He knows he’ll soon be betrayed and will die but rather than retreat, he stays with those he loves. What kind of love is this? It’s one that values the people around him. It’s one that values service to others over being served. One that embraces people for where they are rather than condemning them for what they haven’t yet become. One that wants others to grow, thrive, and become who God created them to be.
As we move from this time and soon enter the garden where Jesus will be arrested, my prayer is that we never forget what kind of love this is and our calling to live it out. As Jesus said, “If [we] know these things, [we] are blessed if [we] do them. Amen.
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