Mother’s Day Angst

I never feel happy about Mother's Day. It always leaves me feeling burdened with ghosts of the past. But this year is way worse than usual. I recognize that it is in part to do with my mom's recent death but I can't find the words to explain or safe harbor to explore how bad it feels. Maybe it's because it snuck up on me. I've been so busy. Maybe there just aren't good opportunities to explore this on other days. Regardless, I'm making my situation worse and I don't know what proactive steps I need to take to move forward in healthy ways.

I'm also realizing as I sit with this that my extra pain is also about my brother. In many ways, I've had a mother role with him and I'm in the God forsaken place of watching him languish in depression, anxiety, and addiction. Worst if all, I'm powerless to do much to help. So I definitely don't feel like celebrating my role as a mother to him because I'm too busy trying to hold my fears of his down slide at bay. There are other layers of sorrow for him as well that I can’t begin to write out at this time but they are profound and deeply burdening.

Do you know the poem “The Invitation” by Oriah? She goes through this litany where she says she doesn't care about what position you hold or how much money you make or the like. What she wants to know is about your inner integrity, passion, and trust. I sort of feel that way about Mother's Day. I don't want to know how many children you have and what you do to celebrate on this one day. I want to know if you wake up and do what needs to be done as a parent day in and day out. I want to know if you can look your mom in the eye and risk disappointment for the sake of becoming the creation God called you to be. I don't want to be celebrated on this one day as a mother. I want to witness the fruits of your blossoming as my child and dance gratitude, sorrow, hope, pain and love every day and not feel alone in that dance.

I acknowledge I'm cynical about holidays in general because they often reflect consumerism and idolatry more than true celebration. Yet, I am not feeling cynical today. I'm sad and hurting.

Further Travels Along the Way

In June of 2010 I began working as the regular supply pastor at a Presbyterian church (PCUSA affiliated) in Northwest Indiana.  At the time, it seemed like somewhat of a cruel irony since I had left the PCUSA to become UCC after meeting and marrying my wife which put me at odds with PCUSA polity.  Nevertheless, this church seemed like the place God was directing me so I tried to stay open to where my faith journey and calling was leading. 

Among my first hurdles were those of ethics and transparency.  I am gay and my wife and daughter would likely come with me to church.  The exiting interim minister had known me for years and knew about my sexuality but I didn’t think she outted me to the church.  So, I had to make a decision.

How was I going to answer the questions?  Would I just go ahead and come out?  What was the right thing to do so that I had integrity while not opening my family to undue scrutiny?  Furthermore, I didn’t want to bring to the church additional turmoil in the midst of a time that was already fragile.

Very quickly I decided to answer any questions from congregants honestly but not bring up the fact that I’m gay.  I advised my family to do the same.  All the same, we did not necessarily go about drawing attention to ourselves in that way.  My reasoning for this choice was three fold.  First, I personally have borne much pain as some of my Christian sisters and brothers have hurled stones of hatred and fear at me over the years.  It’s been a tough journey that I still weep over from time to time.  Second, as a family, we did not have a need to be supported in that faith community so our transparency was not necessary for our well-being.  Likewise, we did not need the pain that would come with a negative outcome.  Third, and most importantly, I believed my time with them would be short and deemed the painful transitions of the church and the existing sorrow of its members to be more important to address than introducing an additional issue that would only serve to distract them from what they actually needed.  They had already been though too much to have someone “dump” an extra issue on them.  They deserved to grieve and grow through their existing difficulties before dealing with one more thing. 

With all that in mind I moved forward and what I thought was going to be a “few preaching gigs” turned into more and ultimately lasted 20 months before they called a full time pastor.

I didn’t realize it would happen but I quickly fell in love with the people at that church.  I saw in them such love for one another and a deep faith.  They could not have endured the kind of pain they had without it.  You see, in the past 10 years they had lost a much beloved pastor and then had a series of short lived calls and interims that introduced various conflicts and near scandals (the reasons for this are so complicated I will not even dare deal with it in this writing because I can never do their experience justice).  In the face of all this strife, the church and its programs survived... they even thrived in some ways.  It was easy to for me to admire and even love them.

It seemed that they loved me too.  They liked my preaching style of balancing teaching with practical ways of living faithfully.  They appreciated my reluctance to make grand claims on behalf of God in favor of journeying together.  Most of all, they loved the way I loved them.  For a group of people who had felt rejected and shat upon, they just wanted so badly to know that it wasn’t their fault and that they were still loved by God... and a pastor.  I could give them that.

One of my early sermons at the church was entitled “Along the Way” and was based upon Psalm 107:1-9, 43.  In it I said, “this is a passage about life happening.  Life includes the joyous and the tragic and all that lies in between.  Not all these events happen because of God but God is in the midst of them and still with us after them.  Our job is to be open to God’s help.  Our job is to keep journeying.  Our job is to share in the journey with others around us.  And we do this with hope knowing God is with us all along the way.”

“Along the way” became a phrase that I would utter many many more times during my service at that church.  It became my mantra to them as I sought to illuminate God’s presence and work in their midst.  It also became a mantra to myself as I experienced a home and sense of calling like I had not previously had or expected.

In my time there, I never did out myself from the pulpit even though I uplifted the justices issues associated with gender and sexuality.  I kept my emphasis on what they needed most.  Even as my sexuality became known to many in the congregation, what people stayed focused upon was what we had in common as people of faith trying to find our way forward.  With all the talk in our culture about what is wrong with the church, let me tell you that what is right was the people of that church staying focused on loving one another and honoring faith. 

Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t always easy.  I know for a fact, my sexuality became a catalyst for heated discussion amongst the Pastor Nominating Committee.  Also, I had many conversations with congregants who were unaware of my sexuality as they made their opinions known about Presbyterian polity, theology, and sexuality.  They said things that were insensitive and at times even hateful.  Yet, my response was always to broaden our understanding of love and keep us focused upon what God is doing and calling us to.

In the months since my time ended at that church, I’ve had time to reflect on what this journey meant and how it touched me in ways I never imagined.  I’ve come to believe even more in the mantra of God with us “along the way” because of the relationships that my family and I have formed with the people of that church.  Our lives are forever changed and better because of them.  Furthermore, the church’s constant affirmation of God’s gifts in me and my time with them served to heal old wounds that I thought would always be festering.  Honestly, I rarely know where God is leading me but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God has been, is, and will be with us all along the way.  Amen.

Onward In Faith

Advent 1B - Sermon based upon Psalm 42 & Matthew 1:18-2:12

Good morning and welcome to Advent.  This is a season of expectancy and preparation. A season of joy, hope, and promise.  And given the themes of our advent devotional and sermon series, it is also a season of faith, peace, new life, and love.

You’re going to notice a pattern in the coming weeks that lead us all the way through Christmas.  Each week’s theme that goes with the devotional is going to be lifted up in worship in multiple ways.  The devotional theme is The True Gifts of Christmas: The Journey to Bethlehem. The music, prayers, liturgy, and even scriptures will go along with the weekly theme.  Each week we'll have a Psalm that captures the emotional experience of the theme and a Gospel passage that tells the story.

But for now, we’re here on the first week of Advent.  We enter with the theme of faith and the story told in Matthew about Jesus's conception and birth.  If ever there was a story of faith in God, this is it.

Here we have a young unmarried woman who finds out she's going to have a very special baby.  The scripture tells us that her fience doesn't want to disgrace her but he's still going to “quietly dismiss her.”  After transformative encounters, they both believe in God’s will for this child move forward to have the baby. 

From the Luke story of Jesus’ birth we also know that they had to make a journey to Bethlehem for census and taxation.  That must have been horrible.  Can you imagine setting out on a donkey, a man and a 9 month pregnant woman, in a time when life was so much more treacherous than it is now?

And even after Jesus is born, King Herod sends spies so that he can plot against the young Messiah, Emmanuel, God with us.  But they too had a transformative experience rooted in joy and did the right thing to protect this child.

And our Psalm this morning is also a true story of faith.  It is about the fear and anxiety we experience when we can’t quite feel God’s closeness to us.  We want to lash out as the Psalmist does with “Why have you forgotten me?  Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?”  But just as with Mary and Joseph, the Psalmist remembers “hope in God.”
These are some pretty powerful scriptures if we pause to let them capture our feelings and imagination.  So, what do they have to tell us on this first Sunday of Advent?

Well, I think one of the messages is that just because we’re journeying faithfully doesn’t mean that it’s smooth sailing.  It’s often an anxiety and fear filled path.  Even Joseph was going to leave Mary because he couldn’t understand how God’s plan for Mary included him and I imagine he felt a lot of social pressure as well.

How often are our lives like that?  Maybe it’s that we know what the right thing is to do but we feel the pressure and embarrassment of what others are saying around us.  Or sometimes it’s that we are not sure how we fit into God’s plan.  Or sometimes it’s more a feeling like the Psalmist had of wondering where God is in all this and how to remain faithful while it feels so dark.  When faced with loss, uncertainty, and other things that raise our fear level, our lives, just like Mary and Joseph’s are filled with moments that make our faithful walk forward feel more like a burdensome trudge. 

Whether it’s the journey of the PNC in search of a pastor or the daily work it takes to make relationships last, we are ALL journeying… and sometimes it’s a tough one.  But here’s where the story turns. 

God reassures Joseph of his part in all this.  Then God protects Jesus from Herod.  God even touches the wise men and they go on a different path.  Hope and joy healed them from their worries, doubt, and uncertainty.  In the case of the wise men, quite literally, the story tells us that they were overwhelmed by joy. 

I think this is the real heart of our scripture lesson for today.  We worry and struggle in uncertainty quite often. And it becomes a cycle that just gets worse if left to our own devices.  The more we worry, the more we drag ourselves down.  The more we drag ourselves down, the more we fret about digging back out of the hole of fear, grief, and depression.  The more we fret about those things, the more ashamed we feel.  And the more ashamed we feel… well, that’s just a terrible spiral downward. 

But God’s support and love for us is never wrapped up in fear or shame or overly burdensome toil.  God reaches out to us with hope and joy offering us help to put one foot in front of the other and continue our faithful journey.  That support comes in all kinds of forms.  In the case of Joseph, it came in the form of messenger from God and I imagine it also came in the form of support from people around him and most especially from Mary.  For the wise men, they found support from God to do the right thing through an intense sense of joy at the witness of a phenomenon in nature right before meeting Jesus.  And while most of us don’t have an experience of meeting and angel, I know that all of us have met messengers from God or had experiences that coincided with special event that invigorated our faith. 

See, this is what faith is about, whether it’s during the season of Advent or any other time.  We are on a journey and each and every day is another opportunity to keep moving forward toward the hope and promise of God while being open to the nurturing support God gives us.

Now, I’m not trying to make this sound easy.  I’ll give you a deeply personal example.  All my life, even as a little child, I’ve struggled with depression.  It seems to be genetic because most of my family struggles with it.  Depression has gripped me in ways that I’ve often felt forgotten by God.  The way depression chokes off the light is painful.  And after feeling the emptiness and darkness months on end, I’ve even thought that it wasn’t that God had forgotten me.  I’ve felt that God must be punishing or cursing me.  Now logically, I know that isn’t the case.  But depression is an illness that tells us lies about ourselves, others, and God.

Having struggled with this illness for most of my 37 years, I can tell you quite a few things about finding God in the darkness and what faith looks like when you barely have the energy to get out of bed.  But I can also tell you that faith cannot be stifled or destroyed by darkness, fear, worry, doubt, and uncertainty. 

Just like Mary and Joseph, I have found God’s support every step of the way.  Just when I thought I couldn’t bear the isolation any longer, God has sent messengers that reminded me who and who’s I am.  God has placed people in my life to help me when I couldn’t help myself.  When I needed a jolt to point me in the right direction, God has shown me great joy through phenomenon in nature.  God has called me forward in love all along the way. 

God’s nurturing love and my faith in that love have helped me journey forward every step of the way.  In fact, you’ve even been part of God’s work in my life.  As you know, I’m a chaplain and I work night shift at Children’s Memorial Hospital.  Working night shift is more than a choice.  It’s a metaphor for my experience with God.  Because I’ve had to work so hard to find God in the long nights of depression, I want to be part of God’s light to others in the night.  I never thought I’d work in a church because I thought my place was in the darkness.

But being here with you has shown me that God calls me into the light as well.  The way you’ve encouraged me and the relationships I’ve built here have shown me new paths in my own faith journey.  My faithful journey is not only that of holding people in the night but also that of proclaiming God’s radiance in the light and you’ve been the ones who’ve helped cultivate that in me and show me God’s way for which I’ll always be grateful.

Now I didn’t tell you all that to spew out my own story.  I told you about my journey because I believe it speaks to the struggles we’ve all had.  Advent, holidays, faith, journeys, family, church… all of these things are precious but they also stir in us anxiety and fear about the unknown.  But God is with us, each and every one of us.  God is speaking and leading and calling us every step of the way.

Sisters and brothers, as we move forward in Advent, may we have faith that God is alive and well in all areas of our lives.  Even when it feels scary or burdensome, God is with us, offering us support wrapped in love rather than fear.  Our job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this journey taking the next step in faith and being open to all the ways God is supporting us.  Emmanuel, God with us… We welcome you!  Amen

Reformed & Always Reforming

Ordinary 31A – sermon based upon Micah 3:5-12 and Matthew 23:1-12

Good morning.  It is good to be with you today.  I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  It’s hard not to. You’ve become so dear to me that you stay close to my heart.  And I note that for two reasons.  One: I believe we should all know when we’ve been valued and loved and I love and value you.  And Two: It relates to the ultimate point of today’s sermon.  That if we are living the love of God, then meaningful relationships, God inspired changes, and love-filled growth become a way of life.

Now you may be asking how I got that conclusion from two biblical passages about leaders who abuse their power.  Well, let’s start down the trail and I promise that’s where we end.
See, today is Reformation Sunday and that’s a kind of interesting day in the church because we get to remember the past, honor change, and look to see how we’re doing today.  A quick history lesson is that around the 16th and 17th centuries the church leadership, at the time primarily Roman Catholic, had become overrun with leaders who were everything that today’s scripture in Micah and Mathew say not to be. 

They waged war against the most oppressed.  They took bribes and acted with great injustice with their power, land, and money.  They told people to follow God’s law but did as they pleased.  They put heavy burdens and cast harsh judgment upon people, displaying no concept of mercy and compassion.  They did religious activities for the purpose of being seen and honored personally.  To say that many in religious power were corrupt would be an understatement.

For example, the church would rent out its farm land at unfair prices, control what could be grown, and take more than a fair share while leaving the families that worked the farm starving.  And what’s worse, some priests would then tell families that their loved ones were spiritually condemned to hell for not giving even more to the church.  For sure the church has always had people who abused power but this was just a horrible time in the history of religion! 

So, an uprising of faithful people began and they started in separate places and pockets of just a few.  But as the movement grew and communities caught wind of the change the Spirit was blowing in and around Europe, this movement grew into what we call the Protestant Reformation.

The Protestant Reformation brought with it some key changes and some key ideas.  Part of is was a call to return to what today’s scripture says about not being in leadership roles over and above one another.  We are to be in servant roles with each other. I mean that when the bible says don’t be called a Rabbi it doesn’t mean that we are not to have specialized callings.  But it does for sure mean that no calling stands over another.  Those religious leaders that had taken advantage of others would have and could have never done that if they started from a place of knowing that they are but mere servants in the broader, more beautiful body of Christ.

Another idea of the reformation was to recognize that God’s work is alive and well and still being revealed to us.  Just as Micah proclaims that he has power and Spirit and justice and might because he possessed a living faith, we too are called to live with the movement and reflect the ongoing revelation of God in the world.

John Calvin believed that the we must have the presence of the Holy Spirit in order to approach the biblical Word of God because it is with the help of the Spirit that the Word becomes alive in our hearts and lives.  He also reminds us that Jesus Christ is the Word of God and that we live and move and thrive in this ever morphing body… full of truth in this moment and always revealing more.

From Luther and Calvin and others, some important pieces of doctrine immerged that reflected this call back to a more genuine faith.  If it is that we are servants together and that God is working in and amongst us then we must be both redeemed and still being further redeemed, meaning that God’s work is both sufficient in us and that we are called to be more.

Similarly, the near mantra of the Reformation emerged.  In Latin it was said, “Ecclesia semper reformanda est” (Latin for "the church must always be reforming") or semper reformanda, "always reforming.”  It’s not enough that we as individual people of faith grow and change.  The church, both as an institution and as a body of believers, must grow and change.  Complacency and denial of the Spirit’s guiding presence is what had brought the church to the problems it was having at the time.

So here was this uprising and it was at times violent, at times spirit filled debate, and at times exciting renewal.  It was not just about ideas and doctrine.  It was about the lived life of faith.  And while we know that the Protestant Church rose out of this movement, we should also recognize that several other meaningful changes happened in other groups of Christians as well.  The Catholic church did get the message and made some changes.  The Anabaptists, Anglicans, Puritans, and others rose out of the movement.  What could defiantly be said is that this was a time where people were in tune with the call of the Holy Spirit to not be complacent and to be open to where God led them.

So when I look back at that time, I find myself asking what was really going on in people’s lives.  What did the average day in a Christian’s life look like?  And this is where I come to the conclusion that I shared with you earlier. 

See, everyday people were building churches… not necessarily grand cathedrals but just modest churches.  They were connecting with people they would have never come in contact with before.  The walls between pastor and congregation were redefined with servant leadership in mind.  People were reading the bible in their own language for the first time in their lives.  It was amazing!

What were my words earlier?  I said that if we are living the love of God, then meaningful relationships, God inspired changes, and love-filled growth become a way of life.  And that’s what that time looked like in the everyday lives of people.  And it’s’ also the history of the reformation and of the Presbyterian Church.  When we think we’ve got it all figured out, the Holy Spirit comes and reminds us that we are called to deeper relationships, other forms of faithful witness, and growth that reflects that love of God.  We are reformed and always reforming.  Both sanctified through God’s grace and always becoming more in the life of God’s ongoing revelation.

Do you like history?  I do.  And I’m especially fond of that history.  It’s the story of us.  And I don’t just mean this church.  I mean it’s the story of our lives.  If we are complacent and don’t listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit we fall into corrupt decay. 

Look at the global economic crisis of today.  How did that happen?  Well, it was too many political and financial leaders were abusing their power and acting unjustly.  Meanwhile, everyday folks extended unearned trust and didn’t question what was going on.  And just like Micah said, it laid to waste our land… or economy in this case.

But this isn’t just paralleled in global issues.  The Reformation is also mirrored in our private lives.  Sometimes we think we are content with our lives.  We don’t want to change.  Yes, there are some things going on like an old hurt or perhaps a relationship that is causing pain but we’d rather ignore it than do something about it.  And over time, it erodes and damages our self and ability to love even more.

You see, the Christian life is one that demands that we honor the holiness of God’s gifts in the present but also live in openness to the Spirit and where it is leading.  Reformed and always reforming.  The global economic crisis would have never happened if people had been living, as I suggested before, the love of God whereby meaningful relationships, God inspired changes, and love-filled growth become a way of life.  And the decay and crumble of our lives would not happen either if we were living this way.

Now, a word of caution… this is a “we” thing.  I’m not saying that if someone has struggles that it is their fault for not being faithful enough.  Just as Micah and Matthew both reinforced, we are in community, bound together.  My struggles represent my difficulties but my struggles equally represent the failure on the part of others to respond and support me in healing relationships.

For example, the person mired in grief or bound by a history of abuse defiantly has a responsibility to reach toward and receive the love and healing of God.  But we each also have a responsibility to reach back to them and do the same whereby meaningful relationships, God inspired changes, and love-filled growth are reflected in our way of life. 

And this is where we find ourselves today.  Economically, we are in a very anxiety and fear filled time.  The church, both locally and universally, is also having painful struggles that represent the push and pull between being reformed and continuing our work of reforming.  Our lives are places where injustice, pain, complacency, and fear gain too much power over us and abuse us.  It would be easy to feel like this is a pretty dark place.

But there is another motto of the Reformation that applies here.  In Latin it is “Post Tenebras Lux” which translated is “After darkness, light.”  At the dawn of the Reformation, people were nearly hopeless.  They were being crushed by the decay.  But light does come and God is always near.  History would tell us this was the end of the dark ages and beginning of the Reformation.  But we know it was simply being open to the Holy Spirit once again, just like Micah and Matthew call us to today.

Sisters and brothers, our calling is to embrace the love of God and the Holy in the present… to be reformed.  Our calling is also to let that love hold and open us to the Spirit who guides us into ever more meaningful relationships, God inspired changes, and love-filled growth that becomes a way of life… to be always reforming.  We need not fear this path because we are God’s and we are One in the Body of Christ.  Amen.